Judith Kottick, LCSW

*All names have been changed to protect the privacy of the families who were interviewed.

Robin still remembers when it dawned on her, after three unsuccessful IVF cycles, that having a child to carry on her family name was not to be.  Even now, from the perspective of being the loving mom of a seven year old daughter and a four year old son through egg donation who are “the greatest kids ever,” Robin recalls the crushing disappointment of that moment. “I was a basket case about it,” she admits.  With only one sister who never wanted children and a mother who was an only child, Robin felt it was up to her to have children to continue the blood line.  She and her husband, Jeff, who came from a big family and couldn’t wait to have a large brood himself, considered their options.  Because they were not U.S. citizens at the time, they found out adoption was out of the question unless one or both of them abandoned their careers and went back to their country for an extended period of time.  Robin knew Jeff would never consider being child free.  So they started looking at donor egg profiles to see if there was any young woman who felt comfortable and familiar to them in a way that could inspire them to move forward.  Ultimately they found the “awesome, wonderful donor” of both her kids, and now Robin sheepishly admits, “I can’t imagine now having other children of my own eggs.”

As it was with Robin, for many couples and individuals yearning for a child, it is unwelcome news to hear that the time has come to transition from the dream of parenting a child of your genes to the options of building your family through egg, sperm or embryo donation, adoption, remaining child free, or having an only child.  This realization often accompanies a sense of loss and mourning and a period of confusion about the next step.  Although this can be a challenging and unhappy time, it is also an invaluable opportunity to reflect on the priorities and beliefs that will guide you in making a new decision for the future.  The advantages of egg and sperm donation include a biological connection through pregnancy, the ability to control the prenatal environment and breast feed, and the knowledge of half of your child’s genes.  This technology also provides opportunities for singles and same sex couples who previously had very few family building options.  Before we explore why many parents-to-be segue into egg or sperm donation, let’s take a look at all of the available choices.  Knowing you have considered every option and have made an informed decision will give you renewed energy and optimism for the journey ahead.

Why adopt?

If you have reached your limit of invasive medical procedures and are no longer comfortable in your own skin because of the effects of hormones and other medication, it can be a huge relief to step off the fertility treatment bandwagon and embrace the adoption option that no longer requires your body for success.  Adoption is also sometimes preferred by couples who feel more comfortable with “genetic symmetry,” meaning neither partner is genetically connected to the child, rather than the one-genetic parent scenario of egg or sperm donation.  Other people feel there is an altruistic component to adoption that fits with their values or spiritual beliefs.

Can I have a satisfying life remaining child free or having an only child?

Many people, from childhood, have an image of what their adult life will look like and that may include a nuclear family with multiple children who are conceived within the context of an intimate, loving relationship.  If this doesn’t work out, some people realize it’s not just any child being wished for, but specifically a child with whom they and/or their partner have a shared genetic history.  If this is the case, remaining child free may feel like the best solution.  If secondary infertility is the issue and there is already one child, there may be a decision to forego a sibling rather than expand the family’s gene pool.

Although these situations may be a huge disappointment requiring a period of readjustment, there is plenty of evidence to support the observation that people who live without children or who have an only child live connected and fulfilling lives.  Without children, individuals and couples have the option to travel more extensively, concentrate on careers, focus on relationships with their partners, pursue hobbies and volunteer work, and become important mentors and support for nieces and nephews and other children who come into their lives.  Likewise, families with one child have more time and financial resources to spend on themselves and their child and studies have shown that only children tend to do very well in life.

Is egg or sperm donation for me?

Many parents of donor children express a great sense of fulfillment at having the opportunity to nurture their child in utero, experience the delivery, care for a newborn and breast feed.  Whether you are a man and woman who have suffered through infertility, a gay couple sharing the pregnancy with a gestational carrier, or a single woman using a sperm donor, chances are this is a highly anticipated and wanted child.  For some people the pregnancy is a healing experience and offers the chance to feel “normal,” to prepare for the baby like everyone else does.

There is also the genetic piece.  Every parent, genetic or not, sooner or later has to come to terms with the fact that each child is an individual and does not perfectly embody all the traits, whether physical, emotional, intellectual, or personality-wise that we hoped or imagined we would see in our offspring.  The degree to which nature vs. nurture is expressed in any given child remains a puzzle and may differ in every person.  Any control we think we have over the genetic expression in our children is an illusion.  However we can’t take away the power of the genetic influence, and some people find it reassuring to know that fifty percent of their child’s genetic contribution will be a known quantity.

It took Nancy and Rob three IVF cycles and four donors to have their two children, now ages six and two.  They not only suffered the disappointment of giving up Nancy’s genetic connection to their children; they also had to deal with the added blow of finding out their older child’s donor had aged out of the donor pool and would be ineligible to contribute to a sibling. Talking to Nancy now, as she marvels at her children, their personalities, quirks and abilities, you would never know she had experienced periods of such sadness and grief in her efforts to build a family.  Echoing the sentiments of many a recipient, she says, “I can’t imagine any child being better than mine are.”  She reflects now on the years it took to build a family, recalling the decisions they made along the way, and acknowledges the choices were not always clear.  While she wanted to adopt, her husband wasn’t open to the idea; he also wanted to stop trying for a second child when their first attempt at having a sibling failed.  But they managed, through communication and perseverance, to find their way, and Nancy insists, “We wouldn’t change anything.”

To summarize, some people seem to know instinctively which family building path to take and they are able to mobilize their resources quickly and move on.  For many others, however, it is a difficult choice that requires more self reflection and research.  Although most parents-to-be, by this time, are in a hurry and are sick to death of waiting, it is always worthwhile to give yourself the space to make an informed and thoughtful choice.  Don’t be afraid to consult a counselor who is experienced in reproductive issues, or confide in your doctor about your concerns. As one adoptive parent recently told me about the process, “once you have that baby in your arms, everything that came before fades away.”

For more information or to schedule a consultation, call IVF New Jersey at 800-ivfnj-44 or visit ivfnj.com